I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
