I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
look no pants
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
