Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
