3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
