So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
no you cant smoke seaweed
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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