I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
The beer is more important than you right now.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
