New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.