Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.