I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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