FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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