I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
