I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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