I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
