i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
