True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
