i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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