I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
