I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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