Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
pop tarts are not kleenex
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
