Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
