When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
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Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
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Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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