i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
