I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
