Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
