Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
