You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
