idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
