Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
