Can i not drive my cunt home
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
