But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
