People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
