Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Everything about him screamed your future.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
