What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
