i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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