FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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