The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
