I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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