hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
