She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
