right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
