whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize