I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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