I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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