I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
