70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
