Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
