Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
