On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
there was a trapeze. enough said
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
