I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
