Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
