Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
