Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
