Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
