ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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