Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
