If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
