i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
