Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
