god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
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nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
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His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?