You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
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"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
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When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.