It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
