I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
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You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
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I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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