i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
